My review of others' P1

Anna – Snapping turtle

10. Meeting Requirements: YES
9. Conciseness: 6
8. Word Choice: 6
7. Punctuation: 6
6. Documentation: 4 (images!!! – I forgot too)

5. Proof-reading: 5
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5 (Add another media source and it’d be a 6)
3. Specificity: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order: 6
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5

Proof-reading changes:
“I emerge form sleep and can have the water to myself.” (From)
“The children come to close…” (too)
“There home is more” (Their)
Other possible changes:
“In general a common snapping turtle is hatched from an egg and born into a bright and liberating world.” - Take out "in general"
“Most of the activities accomplished by snapping turtles are accomplished at night…” - Maybe change the second "accomplished" to "achieved"?
“it “rarely bask on…” - Add the word “will” between "it" and "rarely"
“…and I like the turtle am faithful…” - Reword it to "and like the turtle I am faithful"
“The fact that it is the strength of their jaw and not their size” - Add "which makes them powerful"
“when it needs to be noticed that it cannot be pushed around.” - Maybe change this to “to send the message that it cannot be pushed around.”
“…a certain environment if they work together…” - Add comma after environment(?)
Comments:

I really enjoyed reading what you learned from your spirit guide! I think you did a great job of explaining how traits of the snapping turtle relate to traits you possess and how you experience the world with these traits. I think overall you kept me focused and interested in why turtles were important to you. Also, the transition from the turtle to you was really fresh. There were a few grammatical errors that can be easily fixed and your paper might flow more smoothly if the PoV of the snapping turtle portion isn't as broken up (maybe it could be structured a bit differently?)
All in all, you really captured the turtle well, the very straightforward descriptions of what the turtle sees really characterizes him/her.

Harrison – Grizzly Bear

10. Meeting Requirements: Other than the word count, YES.

9. Conciseness: 6

8. Word Choice: 6

7. Punctuation: 6

6. Documentation: 5 (Another source!)

5. Proof-reading: 6

4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7 (make it a hyper-link)

3. Specificity: 6

2. Organization and Logical Order: 7

1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 7

Changes:

“near, and can think” – I don’t think you need a comma there.

Possible changes:

“As I try not to fall on the slippery rocks surrounding me, I slowly make my way out into the middle of the river.” – might flow better as “I slowly make my way out into the middle of the river, trying not to fall on the slippery rocks surrounding me.”

“…will come out on top? I position myself at the top of a small…” – consider changing ‘come out on top’ to ‘prevail’ to avoid repetition of ‘top’

Comments:

I disagree with what Anna said, I absolutely love this line, “The other bears briefly acknowledge me, but do little more, knowing as I do that it this is no time for socializing.” I think you do an amazing job of illustrating the bear’s daily struggles for food without being redundant. Your writing kept me enthralled and I only noticed a small number of errors. Your paper was difficult to critique in that I had a hard time finding any obvious mistakes. I feel that your paper could be improved with slight sentence revision but other than that, in my opinion, you succeeded in developing strong connections and I felt that in reading your paper I gained a better appreciation for the grizzly bear. I really enjoyed reading your essay! 

Josh – Mountain Lion

10. Meeting Requirements: YES
9. Conciseness: 5
8. Word Choice: 5
7. Punctuation: 5
6. Documentation: 6 (Images that aren’t showing up will need to be sourced, but I’m not sure about the link to ‘want’)
5. Proof-reading: 3
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 3 (I loved that link in the word ‘want’, but your pictures aren’t showing up for some reason!)
3. Specificity: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order: 4
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5

Proof-reading changes:
“the night just in case” – add a comma after “night”
“The Dairy of a Young Girl,” (Diary)

“Likewise my life” – add a comma after “Likewise”
“starts to became more” (become)

Possible changes:
“I like to cover” – take out “like to”
“I know they are there, but until it is too late, they have no idea where I am.” – I know Riley already offered another option, but I would consider revising it to “I can see my prey, but they have no idea where I am until it is too late” (just another option)
“I grew up with my parents controlling my life, they knew everything that went on in my life, but by high school I had enough and started to become more independent.” – consider revising to “I grew up with overbearing parents who knew every aspect of my life. While I tolerated this in the beginning, by high school I had had enough of their controlling and moved toward becoming more independent.”
“…describes a mountain lions lifestyle as, “Mountain Lions are shy, elusive and solitary animals. They are mostly active…” – consider revising to “describes mountain lions as being “shy, elusive and solitary animals” who are “mostly active….””
“As a new college student, far from home…” – consider revising to “As a new college student living far from home,…”
“…lion serves as a symbol to that.” – “of that” rather than “to that”?
Comments:

I like how powerful the mountain lion is portrayed in the introduction. I think the way you used shorter statements like "He is mine." helped with characterizing the mountain lion as all of the traits you described. I believe that there are moments in your paper that could be improved with some rearranging or different word choices, but I was able to picture what you were describing. Organizing the paper a bit more and including smoother transitions will help in creating a nice flow to the overall essay.

Riley – Eagle Owl

10. Meeting Requirements: You only have 1311 words not including quotes, but other than that you meet the requirements!

9. Conciseness: 7

8. Word Choice: 6

7. Punctuation: 6

6. Documentation: 4 (images!!! – I forgot to source them too!)

5. Proof-reading: 6

4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7

3. Specificity: 7

2. Organization and Logical Order: 7

1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 7

Changes/Possible changes:

“…foliage the covers the ground…” - change the to “that” and add comma after ground?

until with a gust of power the wind catches my wings - change to “until a powerful gust of wind catches my wings”

“With a snap of talons…With a single flap” – Did you mean for the repetition? If not, consider revising to “A single flap of my wings thrusts me upward”

“golden-orange orbs I hold” – change hold to “possess” maybe?

“taking some flaps to slow down” – Is there another word for flaps? I’m having trouble finding one. Maybe “Flutter” “beat”or “thrash”? I don’t know.

“Powerful as I may be” – change to “powerful as I am” to avoid repetition of “may be”

“I take this time of rest gratefully, my wings tired from my chases of the night, I get very hungry by the end of the day, my appetite is not satisfied until a dozen mice have come my way.” – Maybe divide this up after “chases of the night” with a period?

“…upon its mistake, to live it” – change the comma to a period

“It may return to the same tree it flew off of before, but it won’t swoop off of that tree chasing the same mouse in its mind, the same way, it instead focuses on a new mouse, a new goal, an improvement on its mistake.” – Maybe structure the sentence a bit differently, I get slightly confused reading it.

Comments:

I absolutely loved your introduction. I think that you really captured the owl's intelligence through the way you described him assessing his environment. I had a hard time coming up with things to consider changing in your paper, so as you can see I got way too nit-picky. There were moments where I felt that there were some run-on sentences that could be structured differently or fixed easily with a period. I felt that you did a great job relating yourself to the owl and liked how you concluded with what you would do like the owl. The whole paper flowed nicely and didn't seem rushed, which I enjoyed. I had a pleasure reviewing your paper Hedwig. WELL DONE.

E Jae – Penguin

10. Meeting Requirements: YES

9. Conciseness: 5 

8. Word Choice: 5

7. Punctuation: 6

6. Documentation: 4 (Cite the images, I forgot to as well.)

5. Proof-reading:6

4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5

3. Specificity: 4

2. Organization and Logical Order: 5

1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5 (Work on sentence structure and grammar, it’ll improve the flow)

Changes:

“I am in a path to” – change ‘in’ to ‘on’

“…friends were complaining” (complained)

Possible changes:

“However, they are creatures full of endurance and adventurous spirit.” – consider revising to “However, through researching penguins further I discovered that they are creatures…”

“We live in a global age where experience in different places is highly valued. This is one of the reasons why I came to United States from South Korea.” – consider revising to “One of the reasons why I came to the United States from South Korea is because we live in a global…”

“Everyone goes through difficult stages and these are things that we must get over to grow as mature people.” – consider changing to “Everyone goes through difficult stages in their lives, but enduring these challenges help us grow into mature adults.” 

“Lots of leaders in this world” – revise to “many leaders in…”

Comments:

There was some awkward phrasing here and there that distracted me from the paper, but overall I think you succeeded in describing what you learned from the penguin. Fixing sentence structure and revising sentences to be more specific would help make your ideas much clearer. There are a number of short sentences that possibly hinder the flow of the paper because while short sentences can be powerful, there were times where it read to me as choppy. You did a good job at connecting penguin traits to your own life and creating order in your essay.