(PR, W, C)
P1-
Proofreading: 3
Word Choice: 5
Conciseness: 5
P2-
Proofreading: 4
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: 6
Comments:
I think that you improved in P2. "...say this family was not equip to have a cat..." You should change it to equipped. "I lived without a home for a long time until two huge men with a collar and a cage came and found me." this sentence should be revised, you could make it more concise. There were some errors, but they could be fixed with some rearranging and proofreading. I think that you improved from your last essay, your essay this time was much more concise. Overall you could've chosen different words possibly and you can always make it more concise but I see your improvement.
Proofreading: 3
Word Choice: 5
Conciseness: 5
P2-
Proofreading: 4
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: 6
Comments:
I think that you improved in P2. "...say this family was not equip to have a cat..." You should change it to equipped. "I lived without a home for a long time until two huge men with a collar and a cage came and found me." this sentence should be revised, you could make it more concise. There were some errors, but they could be fixed with some rearranging and proofreading. I think that you improved from your last essay, your essay this time was much more concise. Overall you could've chosen different words possibly and you can always make it more concise but I see your improvement.
E Jae - Penguin
(^, W, C)
P1-
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5
Word Choice: 5
Conciseness: 5
P2-
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 4
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: X
Comments:
In your essay I noticed your word choice lacked. There were moments in your essay that seemed very repetitive but this could be mended by changing some words, like Riley mentioned with your use of the word "look". I noticed the word "love" came up a number of times. Your essay could be more concise and to the point. I felt that you concluded it well, but your main points can be better explained.
(^, W, C)
P1-
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 5
Word Choice: 5
Conciseness: 5
P2-
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 4
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: X
Comments:
In your essay I noticed your word choice lacked. There were moments in your essay that seemed very repetitive but this could be mended by changing some words, like Riley mentioned with your use of the word "look". I noticed the word "love" came up a number of times. Your essay could be more concise and to the point. I felt that you concluded it well, but your main points can be better explained.
Harrison - Grizzly Bear
(O, C, ^)
P1-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 7
Conciseness: 6
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 7
P2-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
Conciseness: 7Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 6
Comments:
I felt that overall your organization and order were great, but I found that some sentences would work better if revised. For example when you write, "I would imagine that all cats..." You could probably combine this sentence with the sentence before it. While I noticed that you did have effective transitions, I feel that they could be smoother. It wasn't too choppy though and it flowed very well. You did a very good job of being concise. However, if anything it was slightly wordy that could hamper your essay.
(O, C, ^)
P1-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 7
Conciseness: 6
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 7
P2-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
Conciseness: 7Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 6
Comments:
I felt that overall your organization and order were great, but I found that some sentences would work better if revised. For example when you write, "I would imagine that all cats..." You could probably combine this sentence with the sentence before it. While I noticed that you did have effective transitions, I feel that they could be smoother. It wasn't too choppy though and it flowed very well. You did a very good job of being concise. However, if anything it was slightly wordy that could hamper your essay.
Anna - Snapping Turtle
(O,W,C)
P1-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
Word Choice: 6
Conciseness: 6
P2-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: X
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: X
Comments:
I felt that you could improve your essay by using more effective transitions. Your essay flowed, but there were moments where I had to stop and re-read. For example: “His story must have been long and unhappy, something along these lines. It started off just as every cat wants.” This wasn’t a smooth transition in my opinion. It felt like a sudden start into his story. There were moments where I felt that there was some repetition. While I don’t think there were moments in which you were trying to fill the word count quota, I do believe your essay could be made more concise.
(O,W,C)
P1-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
Word Choice: 6
Conciseness: 6
P2-
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: X
Word Choice: X
Conciseness: X
Comments:
I felt that you could improve your essay by using more effective transitions. Your essay flowed, but there were moments where I had to stop and re-read. For example: “His story must have been long and unhappy, something along these lines. It started off just as every cat wants.” This wasn’t a smooth transition in my opinion. It felt like a sudden start into his story. There were moments where I felt that there was some repetition. While I don’t think there were moments in which you were trying to fill the word count quota, I do believe your essay could be made more concise.
Riley - Eagle Owl
(P, W, DOC)
P1-
Punctuation: 6
Word Choice: 6
Documentation: 4
P2-
Punctuation: 7
Word Choice: X
Documentation: 7
Comments:
Your documentation improved significantly, you used footnotes correctly and you had no pictures to document. I think you did a really good job at expressing how Maya may have felt and your paper flowed nicely. I noticed no punctuation errors, but your word choice could improve. "Maya made this lesson as plain as day..." would sound more concise if you used "clear". Good job!
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