Riley-
P1 Comments on suggested areas of improvement:
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose 6
Diction 6
Conciseness 6
P2 Improvements:
Organization:
I felt there was some definite improvement to this category; the transition from the cat’s point of view to yours was very smooth and easy to follow.
Diction:
Some improvement, but as compared to the last one, it didn’t seem to be that much different. For example: “For instance, while I wonder if a domesticated cat wants to be held, I know a lion would not appreciate being held.” The repetition of held could be changed to improve this sentence.
Conciseness:
Again not much different, some ideas from the first paragraph are repeated throughout the prose, I might consider using the ideas contained in the first paragraph as a conclusion.
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose 6
Diction 6
Conciseness 6
P2 Improvements:
Organization:
I felt there was some definite improvement to this category; the transition from the cat’s point of view to yours was very smooth and easy to follow.
Diction:
Some improvement, but as compared to the last one, it didn’t seem to be that much different. For example: “For instance, while I wonder if a domesticated cat wants to be held, I know a lion would not appreciate being held.” The repetition of held could be changed to improve this sentence.
Conciseness:
Again not much different, some ideas from the first paragraph are repeated throughout the prose, I might consider using the ideas contained in the first paragraph as a conclusion.
Lauryn-
P1:
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5
The placement of the information on the Red Fox is very questionable. Other than that, the organization of your main points is logical.
Word Choice: 6
Your word choice is great in the first part, and I could not find any instances where I thought words should be replaced.
Conciseness: 6
I do not have any comments on your conciseness, other than the awkwardly worded one above.
P2:
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5
The placement of the information on the Red Fox is very questionable. Other than that, the organization of your main points is logical.
Word Choice: 6
Your word choice is great in the first part, and I could not find any instances where I thought words should be replaced.
Conciseness: 6
I do not have any comments on your conciseness, other than the awkwardly worded one above.
P2:
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 5
Word Choice: 6
Word Choice: 6
Conciseness: 6
Consider breaking the first sentence into two.
You talk about the cat’s life with its mother, then being alone. Perhaps state how you think it became that way to help with the flow.
You switch from past tense to future to present tense verbs.
“To be completely honest…” could start a new paragraph.
You could place the part about Belle Star’s potential life as a stray after you ask if she would rather be a stray.
Consider breaking the first sentence into two.
You talk about the cat’s life with its mother, then being alone. Perhaps state how you think it became that way to help with the flow.
You switch from past tense to future to present tense verbs.
“To be completely honest…” could start a new paragraph.
You could place the part about Belle Star’s potential life as a stray after you ask if she would rather be a stray.
Whitney-
P2:
“My life before being rescued consisted of aimless wandering and struggling to find food and were it not for the volunteers at Austin Pets Alive I would have been doomed” → Try splitting this sentence up into two.
Organization: 6
The order of your paper seemed very logical. It flowed smoothly and made sense in your placement of words, sentences and paragraphs. Some sentences were run-on and very long and it would actually help your paper to maybe cut them up into smaller sentences.
Word Choice: X
You do a great job with word choice. The words chosen help tell yours and Belle Star’s story as well prove that you have excellent college level vocabulary.
Conciseness: X
I was very well connected and impacted with your story. I would have like to seem better imagery with your cats story before she got into TLAC. Your ideas are not repetitive.
P1:
“My life before being rescued consisted of aimless wandering and struggling to find food and were it not for the volunteers at Austin Pets Alive I would have been doomed” → Try splitting this sentence up into two.
Organization: 6
The order of your paper seemed very logical. It flowed smoothly and made sense in your placement of words, sentences and paragraphs. Some sentences were run-on and very long and it would actually help your paper to maybe cut them up into smaller sentences.
Word Choice: X
You do a great job with word choice. The words chosen help tell yours and Belle Star’s story as well prove that you have excellent college level vocabulary.
Conciseness: X
I was very well connected and impacted with your story. I would have like to seem better imagery with your cats story before she got into TLAC. Your ideas are not repetitive.
P1:
Organization: 6
Word Choice: 7
Conciseness: 7
Word Choice: 7
Conciseness: 7
Josh-
Organization
P1: 6
The essay was very well organized, the main points were easy to understand in every paragraph, and they flowed well together leading up to your conclusion. I do feel like your essay would benefit by using better transition words and grabbers to engage the reader.
P2: 7
I love the introduction and how you explain how you are going to try to extend your sympathetic imagination, and then do so beautifully, and then come back to that point in your conclusion
Word Choice
P1: 7
I believe this was your strongest part of the essay. I loved your usage of plethora and endeavors.
P2: 6
Again an extremely strong part, but not your strongest like I thought in P1. Loved the words: perch, emaciated, and lush.
Conciseness
P1: 6
Every word in the essay played a role in portraying your main points. I do not believe it was too word, actually just perfect.
P2:[X]
P1: 6
The essay was very well organized, the main points were easy to understand in every paragraph, and they flowed well together leading up to your conclusion. I do feel like your essay would benefit by using better transition words and grabbers to engage the reader.
P2: 7
I love the introduction and how you explain how you are going to try to extend your sympathetic imagination, and then do so beautifully, and then come back to that point in your conclusion
Word Choice
P1: 7
I believe this was your strongest part of the essay. I loved your usage of plethora and endeavors.
P2: 6
Again an extremely strong part, but not your strongest like I thought in P1. Loved the words: perch, emaciated, and lush.
Conciseness
P1: 6
Every word in the essay played a role in portraying your main points. I do not believe it was too word, actually just perfect.
P2:[X]
E Jae-
Organization- 6 Overall, the organization is good and the transition was smooth and nice. I don’t think much edit is needed.
Word choice- 7 There were lots of different words used and helped make essay more plentiful. I don’t see repetitive words that distract the flow.
Conciseness 6– I think some parts of the first four paragraphs are included again later on in the essay. It could be made more concise because it felt a bit repetitive.
Word choice- 7 There were lots of different words used and helped make essay more plentiful. I don’t see repetitive words that distract the flow.
Conciseness 6– I think some parts of the first four paragraphs are included again later on in the essay. It could be made more concise because it felt a bit repetitive.
Janet-
P1 Critiques
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 7
Again, your paragraphs and anecdotes/examples were all organized in a very logical order. I had no problem understanding how you organized it.
Word Choice – 7
I loved your choice of words throughout- it really conveyed your point clearly and showed the emotion and connection you feel to your spirit animal. This was one of your strongest points! But I think in: “I believe full-heartedly” you should choose a different word for full-heartedly.
Conciseness – 7
You rarely said something with too many words; I think you did a great job of being concise!
P2 Critiques
Organization - X
Your writing was organized in a very logical manner, and it was easy and enjoyable to follow along with!
One thing you could change is this sentence, which I think should be broken up as the idea switches from Belle Star to your sympathetic imagination:
"I strongly believe that Belle Star will fill a hole in someone's life and by using sympathetic imagination I will discover what her life may have been like before making it to the Town Lake Animal Center."
Word Choice - X
Again, clear and relative words were used here in just the right places. Great job!
Conciseness - 6
You were a tad bit repetitive and/or verbose, but it was not a significant problem. These sentences could be broken up to be easier to follow:
-"Like many of the cats and dogs that have been rescued by Austin Pets Alive, it is impossible to know exactly how Belle Star's journey led her to the Town Lake Animal Center, but what I can say for sure is that she and the other animals that have been and will be saved by the volunteers at Austin Pets Alive are incredibly lucky."
-"I am a young cat so I don't remember very much from before I was rescued and taken to Austin Pets Alive, but I am certain that I and the other cats with me here cannot be destined to live out the rest of our lives behind bars."
Overall, really great piece of writing! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, and never got bored. Props
Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 7
Again, your paragraphs and anecdotes/examples were all organized in a very logical order. I had no problem understanding how you organized it.
Word Choice – 7
I loved your choice of words throughout- it really conveyed your point clearly and showed the emotion and connection you feel to your spirit animal. This was one of your strongest points! But I think in: “I believe full-heartedly” you should choose a different word for full-heartedly.
Conciseness – 7
You rarely said something with too many words; I think you did a great job of being concise!
P2 Critiques
Organization - X
Your writing was organized in a very logical manner, and it was easy and enjoyable to follow along with!
One thing you could change is this sentence, which I think should be broken up as the idea switches from Belle Star to your sympathetic imagination:
"I strongly believe that Belle Star will fill a hole in someone's life and by using sympathetic imagination I will discover what her life may have been like before making it to the Town Lake Animal Center."
Word Choice - X
Again, clear and relative words were used here in just the right places. Great job!
Conciseness - 6
You were a tad bit repetitive and/or verbose, but it was not a significant problem. These sentences could be broken up to be easier to follow:
-"Like many of the cats and dogs that have been rescued by Austin Pets Alive, it is impossible to know exactly how Belle Star's journey led her to the Town Lake Animal Center, but what I can say for sure is that she and the other animals that have been and will be saved by the volunteers at Austin Pets Alive are incredibly lucky."
-"I am a young cat so I don't remember very much from before I was rescued and taken to Austin Pets Alive, but I am certain that I and the other cats with me here cannot be destined to live out the rest of our lives behind bars."
Overall, really great piece of writing! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, and never got bored. Props
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